Friday, February 18, 2011

Re: Payment Notification

Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2011 14:46:04 -0800
Subject: Re: Payment Notification:

Re: Payment Notification:

We are writhing to know if it's true that you are DEAD? Because we received a notification from one MR. GERSHON SHAPIRO of USA stating that you are DEAD and that you have giving him the right to claim your funds. He stated you died on a CAR accident. He has been calling us regarding this issue, but we cannot proceed with him until we confirm this by not hearing from you after 7days.

Be advised that we have made all arrangements for you to receive and confirm your funds without anymore stress, and without any further delays.

All we need to confirm now is your been DEAD Or still Alive.

Because this MAN'S message brought shock to our minds. And we just can't proceed with him until we confirm if this is a reality OR not But if it appened we did not hear from you after 7days, then we say: MAY YOUR SOUL REST IN PERFECT PEACE" YOUR JOY AND SUCCESS REMAINS OUR GOAL.

May the peace of the Lord be with you wherever you may be now.

Your Faitfully,
Mrs Farida Waziri

From:  Lou Hayward
Sent:18 February 2011 01:35:19

Dear Farida,

Thank you so much for your heartfelt and genuine concern for my wellbeing- and please know that by 'your', I am of course using the second person plural form of the word so as to include all of 'you'. I particularly appreciate your taking the time to write to me given that you must be incredibly busy as Executive Chairperson of the Nigerian Economic and Financial Crimes Commission. Please rest assured Farida, I'm no racist, but I do seem to receive an inordinate number of scam emails emanating from your country... Apparently some unconscionable fraudsters are even attempting to elicit responses using YOUR name!

I must admit Mr Shapiro's message brought shock to my mind too (although I only have the one)- I can only hope that you have now recovered enough to stop writhing. Anyway, Farida, I am happy to report that following a thorough check I can confirm that this is not 'a reality': I am very much still alive and did not die 'on a car accident'. I have no idea why Mr Shapiro thought to bother you with such silly rumour-mongering, but you can tell him to stop calling you now. You might also like to tell him that if plans to continue spreading such morbid gossip in the future, he might like to consider adopting a more plausible story.

Farida, having considered the odds a bit I think dying ON a car accident must be a rather rare occurrence- I think it's generally more common to die 'IN' such accidents. To be honest, quite frankly I think it's also a bit of a selfish last act on the part of the deceased.  I mean, imagine you've just been in a car accident (not a serious one, mind) and you're faffing around trying to find your insurance details and wondering if you can get away with telling your husband you swerved to avoid one of Nigeria's endangered animals (perhaps one of Buettikofer's Epauletted Fruit Bats?) when actually you hit a tree because you were using the rear-view mirror to reapply your lippy... I don't know about you Farida, but if some stranger wondered over and just died all over the crumpled remains of my bonnet I'd think I'd be royally pissed off.

Of course, another pressing issue I feel I must draw your attention to is the fact that not only have Mr Shapiro and I never actually met, but I don't even know who he his! I mean, we're not even facebook friends Farida! You know how it is- there are a few people on there that you don't REALLY know, but you accept them anyway because supposedly you have 43 friends in common and think "oh well, I guess I must have met them when I was out and about and I just don't remember or maybe we went to school together years ago and they've changed their name or they got married or something".

I must admit to you, Farida, I did do a sneaky bit of googling and to be honest I'm at a loss as to how Mr Shapiro is even aware of my existence! Being a 35 year old man based in Brooklyn kind of counts him out as having gone to my (all-girls) secondary school... I'm a little disappointed to see that Mr Shapiro isn't dedicating 100% of his effort to season 2 of the "A Jewish Star" singing competition, for which I gather he has been chosen as one of the ten finalists.

It certainly seems a shame that someone quoted as saying that "Hashem has blessed me with a beautiful voice and I hope to use it to inspire other people in a positive way" is instead wasting time and money on calls to Nigeria!

I am not Jewish, Farida, nor do I like reality tv shows- especially ones based around singing because they usually seem to have the most annoying hosts and there are only so many shiny suits and Ronan Keating covers I can take. I don't know if Ronan Keating made it big in Nigeria, but his songs are a bit terrible and for some reason have a bizarre power over talent contest entrants that forces them to adapt a shouty, slightly lispy Irish accent when singing- #LAA-OIFE ISH A ROLLERCOASHTER, JUST GOTTA RAAA-OIDE IT# . Anyway, even if I WERE inclined to vote in "A Jewish Star", after this dodgy behaviour, I can assure you that Mr Shapiro would not be getting my vote... Also I find some of his competitors' beards far more impressive.

Finally, I come to the matter of my 'funds' and must reveal that you have been most cruelly misled. In fact, if anything, my having any 'funds' to speak of is even MORE implausible than my dying 'on' a car accident. As the old adage says, Farida, "you can't miss something you never had", and so you will be relieved to hear that I have suffered no stress from my funds' supposed delay. As a side note, I think my favourite adage is "you can't polish a turd". Personally, I've never tried, but I can see how it would be impossible- even with the fortified droppings of a Buettikofer's Epauletted Fruit Bat. I suppose you could always sprinkle some glitter on it if you were so inclined, which would kind of achieve the same effect. Now, Farida, the only missing 'funds' that really initially spring to mind are an old Post Office account my parents opened for me when I was a baby... but I actually think I transferred out the whopping £40 fortune I discovered in there when I was about 14. I'd imagine I spent it on eyeliner and Green Day cds. The only other unaccounted for money that springs to mind is the paltry sum I have languishing in an old PayPal account somewhere... if memory serves I think it's a hefty £1.92.

To be honest, Farida, I'd forgotten all about it and I can't remember any of my login details or anything, so if that's the money you're referring to, maybe it would be easier to just let Mr Shapiro have it? I don't know how much it costs to mount a publicity campaign for 'A Jewish Star', but maybe my little donation will make a big difference to him. I must say, I think Mr Shapiro could potentially find a less convoluted route to an income (a man based in New York calling a Nigerian Commissioner regarding some mystery funds held by an English girl living in Sydney... it's a little silly isn't it?), but who am I to judge? Of course, it goes without saying that he will have to cover any bank transfer and currency conversation fees. Maybe it would be better for you to confirm what the funds are before I make any final decision?

Anyway Farida, I'm sure you must be very busy so I will let you get back to your fraud-fighting. Thank you again for checking to see if I was 'DEAD'- I've been feeling a bit down in the dumps lately and it's always nice to know someone cares, even if that someone is a random lady in Nigeria.

Lots of joy and success to you too.

No comments:

Post a Comment